What to look for in a relationship? People ask me some version of that question more than you’d think, usually after a breakup or right before a big decision like moving in together. In recent years my answer has been the same: I point them to Simon Sinek’s three plus one principle. It’s a quick test you can run on the relationship you’re in now, or keep in your back pocket for the next one.
The idea is simple. Have you got three kinds of compatibility with your partner, plus one bonus? Sit back and be honest with yourself. Have you got all three? Some of them? None at all? It takes five minutes and it tells you a lot about where you are.
Key takeaways
- Simon Sinek’s 3+1 framework looks at intellectual, emotional and sexual compatibility, with circumstances as the bonus fourth.
- Intellectual compatibility means you can teach each other, learn from each other and take a critique without jumping down each other’s throats.
- Emotional compatibility means you can let your guard down and be vulnerable without cheap shots coming back at you.
- Sexual compatibility is the closeness and chemistry that lasts after the early spark, through the everyday challenges.
- Circumstances (time, distance, other commitments) are the bonus. You can’t always control them, but you can choose to make the effort.
What to look for in a relationship: the 3+1 framework
Simon Sinek is best known for Start With Why and his talks on leadership, but he has also talked openly about love and relationship compatibility. A recent Fox News piece on his framework sums it up: intellectual compatibility, emotional compatibility, and sexual and creative compatibility, with circumstances as the “+1”.
I like it because it’s practical. Most lists of things to look for in a relationship run to 12 or 18 qualities, and by the end you can’t remember any of them. Three plus one fits on the back of your hand, and you can run it on a new partner or a couple that’s been together for 20 years.
1. Intellectual compatibility: can you learn from each other?
The first question is whether you have intellectual compatibility. Can you teach each other and learn from each other without jumping down each other’s throats? Can you humble yourself to be critiqued by your partner, and humble yourself to learn from them and grow with them?
For that to work, you have to keep growing yourself. Read books, talk to new people, listen to podcasts, even sermons. Years ago Charlie “Tremendous” Jones put it in a way that has stuck with me. The version most people quote is: “You will be the same person in five years as you are today except for the people you meet and the books you read.” The one I first heard also had the cassettes you listen to and the seminars you go to (it’s an old quote). It still stands today.
If you’re not growing, you’re going backwards. And if you stop expanding your mind, you’re doing a disservice to yourself and to your partner, because they can’t learn from you or meet you at an intellectual level. That’s the point Simon makes, and I agree with him.
Why it matters more as the years go on
Sooner or later you’ll run out of things to talk about. How much family gossip can two people get through? If you’ve got kids, there’s the kids. After a while, conversation built only on the mundane day-to-day gets very stale.
That’s why I think intellectual compatibility needs to be strong, and why it’s a lifelong exercise. You don’t stop learning when you finish high school or university. There’s a line I love, “I’m forever a student.” Be a student for life, and be humble enough to know you don’t know everything. It’s okay to learn from your partner. That’s the beauty of this one. It’s the same spirit behind the life lessons from Ven. Soma Thera that I still come back to.
2. Emotional compatibility: can you let your guard down?
The second question is emotional compatibility. Can you be vulnerable with each other? Can you let your guard down with your significant other, knowing they won’t take cheap shots at you or say “Hey, you’re a softy”? Can you be completely at peace around them? That kind of trust is one of the most important things to look for in a partner.
I can only speak from a man’s side here. I’m sure this applies to women as well, but I’ll speak for the blokes. We’re out there fighting the world every day, to bring in the finances (I wrote about that grind in my blueprint to building wealth) and to deal with whatever other demons we’re fighting. When we come home, we need peace.
Having that peace with your partner, where you can just be yourself and even be a bit childish together, is so important. Without it you’re constantly on alert. And when you’re always on alert, you never get the chance to relax, let your stress come down and sleep properly.
The sleepy test
They say you get very sleepy around your partner when you’re comfortable. I think that’s true. When your guard’s down, you get so comfortable that you end up dozing off on the couch next to them. It’s actually a good sign. It tells you this person makes you feel safe enough to switch off completely.
3. Sexual compatibility: is the spark still there?
The third is sexual compatibility, which Simon groups with creativity. Can you be creative with your romantic partner? Can you be intimate? Is the spark there? I don’t mean the initial spark, which is more or less love and lust. I mean a continuing sense of chemistry and intimacy that carries on day after day, through all the challenges life throws at you.
When you hold each other, do you feel that love? Do you feel safe? Is the closeness still alive and well?
Again, I’ll speak for men. If you don’t feel this closeness with your partner, sooner or later it catches up with you. To me it’s almost a survival thing. I feel like women can coast through without it for longer, but men need this closeness, to be close to someone at an intimate level. That’s my view from my side of the fence, and your experience may be different.
The +1: circumstances
The fourth one is the bonus: circumstances. Timing, distance and other commitments. Sometimes they just don’t line up. A new job, a partner in another city, a family situation that eats up every weekend.
You can’t always control circumstances, but you can control your effort. Are you willing to make the time for your partner? Are you willing to travel the distance, and do it often enough to keep the relationship alive? Are you willing to plan surprises and exciting things to do together? It’s up to the two of you to make the timings work.
How to use the 3+1 test on your own relationship compatibility
As I understand Simon’s point, you can have an okay relationship with one and a half of these. To really have that spark, you need the three plus one. That’s what takes a relationship from good to great: a healthy relationship that thrives for years.
It also means you’re covered on the days one of you is down in a category. Your partner lifts you up there, and you return the favour when it’s their turn.
To run it, take a quiet moment and rate each one for your relationship as strong, patchy or missing:
- Intellectual compatibility: do we still learn from each other and have things to talk about beyond the day-to-day?
- Emotional compatibility: can I be vulnerable at home without bracing for a cheap shot?
- Sexual compatibility: is there still closeness and intimacy, beyond the early lust?
- Circumstances: are we both making the time and travelling the distance?
Then use the answers to start an honest conversation with your partner. A patchy score usually points to where the two of you need to put some work in, and talking about it openly builds trust. For me this sits under the happiness pillar of my three pillars of success. You can have your health and your wealth in order, but if home doesn’t feel right, you’ll feel it everywhere.
FAQ
What should you look for in a relationship?
I look for the three plus one: intellectual, emotional and sexual compatibility, plus circumstances that you’re both willing to work around.
What is compatibility in a relationship?
It’s how well two people fit across the parts of life that matter over the long term: how you think and learn, how safe you feel with each other emotionally, and how close you stay physically.
What is Simon Sinek’s 3+1 framework?
It’s a quick way to check a relationship. The three are intellectual, emotional, and sexual and creative compatibility. The +1 is circumstances, such as timing, distance and other commitments.
What is emotional compatibility?
Being able to let your guard down and be vulnerable with your partner without being mocked or judged. A good sign is that you feel relaxed enough around them to switch off, even fall asleep.
Can a relationship work without all three?
It can be okay with one and a half. For a great relationship that lasts, I’d want all three, plus both of you making the effort on circumstances.
How important is compatibility in a relationship?
Very. Chemistry gets you started, but compatibility is what keeps you talking, feeling safe and staying close after the honeymoon period ends.
Finding your forever person
So here it is again: intellectual compatibility, emotional compatibility, sexual compatibility, and the bonus one, circumstances. Whether you’re checking the relationship you’re in or getting clear on what to look for in the next one, knowing these four puts you in a much better spot.
I hope you do find your forever person. All the best to you, and all the happiness as well.
This article shares my personal views and isn’t professional relationship or medical advice. If you’re struggling in your relationship, talking to a counsellor can help. In Australia, Relationships Australia is a good place to start.
